Do you know what? I’m just to busy to do Christmas properly. I’m too busy to have planned it from July onwards. Too busy to have been saving up for 10 months and buying little presents during the course of the year. Too busy to wrap all those carefully curated gifts with origami-like precision and home-made bows and have them mailed in advance or hand-delivered in glittery bags that cost almost as much as the presents inside them. No, I’m too busy to have even thought about discussing what we are going to do at christmas, where we are going to do it, or who we are going to do it with. Too busy to do anything other than get ready for the gig at the last minute and then spend the entire day of the main event cooking in the kitchen with a hangover.
But not this year. Aha! I’m finishing up work on 13th December, and I’m going to use it to get my Christmas organised. This year, Santa’s sack will be properly labelled with the heavy items at the bottom and light or perishable items at the top.
That doesn’t mean that I’m going be all fa-la-la-la-la and frost the inside of our windows with fake snow. It does not mean your presents will arrive in spangly gift bags from Marks & Spencers.
Of course not. I will be putting your presents in the spangly M&S gift bags I got from my mum & dad last year (I’ve been doing this for years, sorry mum). Christmas music of ANY form will be banned from the house for the ENTIRE MONTH of December, and I will be watching only programmes from BBCs 1 thu 4 as Christmas adverts induce in me sporadic and random pyschotic episodes.
The only “HO” you will hear (before December 25th) will be”HO! Mariah Carey – denied”.
And no, I will not be wearing a santa hat or reindeer horns when I go out for a run – that’s not how I roll. Although I would like fairy lights for my road bike. I think that might be quite cool, so I’m not ruling that out.
But there will be a few things I will look forward to doing properly.
I will not be too busy to pick my son up on the last day of school. I won’t be too busy to actually know what’s inside the wrapper of the gift I’ve just handed to you. I won’t be wondering what we are doing or who we are seeing because we’ll take our time to calmly fight over the next fortnight about which grand parents are coming over when and for how long is long enough and in which order. Sorry mum, and mother-in-law, you know we love you dearly 😉
I will also pick a decent time and place to do my christmas shopping, and I will be making Christmas dinner in advance. So that, on Christmas day, I will have time to go for a run or cycle AND take the boy up the woods for a wander AND see various relatives AND enjoy eating my christmas dinner at a reasonable time.
Then, having left a few cooked sausages and a couple of roast potatoes to cool in a bowl on the kitchen worktop, I will retire to the sofa.
And because I’ll have planned this properly in advance, I’ll pop on a DVD and introduce the boy to awesomeness of Star Wars (the original version) and the finger-licking merits of a well-seasoned cold roast potato.
Everything else will be gravy.